So it's been a while I made a text post. It wasn't because I didn't know what to tell. I've been feeling very unwell for 4 weeks now and there were all kinds of pains over my body that I couldn't explain. This in return started to scare me incredibly much. In return my mood to type a post just absolutely vanished.

I'm the type of person who immediately thinks of worst case scenario. I was connecting this pain to potential heart problems. This led me to become more stressed and anxious about everything. I did sleep for about a 7/8 hours a day, but I feel tired everyday. Yesterday I panicked. I rarely panick, but yesterday was just too much for me and I panicked a lot. I called my mom, crying, asking if I can come home. I went back to my mom's home at 12am (mind that she lives one hour away from me by train). I went to the doctor today and she reassured me that it's not my heart. She properly checked and all, so it did reassure me a bit. So we talked and I cried again.. I guess all this anxiety, fear and stress was just too much for me to handle. These pains are most certainly caused by being so scared, so stressed and anxious. I need to find ways to calm myself down and distract myself from my thoughts. I will also receive counselling starting the 24th of February. She asked if I wanted that and I actually said yes. I know I have a hard time distracting myself from my stress, fears and anxiety, so the offer to receive help was something I definitely welcomed. She is going to help me find the source of my stress, fear and anxiety. After that she's going to help me find ways to become more calm and all. I hope it'll work. After that I decided to go back to school instead of staying home. I wanted to stay home, but I love hanging out with my classmates and I don't want to miss classes. This also causes some distraction for me, because I'm not thinking about the bad things. I noticed that, whenever I'm with people and at school, I don't pay that much attention to my pains and I don't really feel that much.

Now stress. I know where it comes from. It's not even that difficult for me to think of. It's school. I'm scared I'm going to fail the exams, I'm scared I won't be able to finish assignments by the end of this period (which is this week),  I'm scared that I'm not going to pass this school year again. There is no reason for it actually, but I just stress about those things so much. Probably because I really want to pass this school year. My anxiety. Maybe because I'm scared to fail? Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. I don't really know. My fear is caused by worrying the pains I have. I keep thinking about it and it becomes worse and I become more scared and it kind of creates this cycle that increases my fear.

So yeah. That's kind of my situation now. I finished one of the most difficult assignments so that's quite the relief. Knowing that my heart is entirely healthy, beating correctly and everything is very reassuring. I think I actually might feel rested tomorrow after sleeping. I really need it.

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